Shitty Morning. *Warning...graphic content, read with caution.

First off, let me tell you about how awesome my morning was and how I am looking forward to running water once more at work and how I will be listening to EVERY.SINGLE.ANNOUNCEMENT. from now on.  Thank GOD you do not work with me. 

So I was talking on my cell phone, eating some breakfast and basically avoiding actual work, occupied with some very important matters when some stupid announcement was made over the intercom.  Since I was gossiping engaged in a meaningful conversation, I chose to ignore it.  Afterwards, I decided to take a satisfactory dump as I proudly had my 2300% fiber bran muffin and 14 cups of coffee that morning.  I carefully check the hallway for stand byers, turn on the electric dryers to "muffle" any sounds and get the job done.  I then pull the handle to wrap things up and one of my WORST nightmares comes true.  Nothing happens.  Nada, Zip, Zero.  I frantically jiggle the handle up and down and curse the Toilet Gods to hell.   Nothing.  I run to the sink and turn on the faucet...only to have about two drops of water plink out.  Shitballs.  Literally.  WTF???  The main water line is freak'in closed. That has to be it!  I vaguely recall a stifled, yet choppy voice earlier this morning, "water.....use restrooms.....30 minutes....." and then silence.  The announcment...damn.   Then the realization hits me.   I now have to "deal" with my left overs.  There are 3 other women that work with me.  And if there is something wrong with the water system, well, chances are the mechanics will be in to "check" on things. 

I contemplate breaking the natural gas line and starting a small explosion.  Except that I am sure there are specialized forensic scientists out there that can handle these kind of "DNA" traces. 

FBI Dude: "Hmm....by the texture, color and formation of this shit, I would say it came from a female, 5'9", probably colors her hair but it's done tastefully, needs to stop drinking so much wine and those bran muffins are way to dry"

Me: "It, uh, wasn't me."  "Don't read my blog for a couple of hours, OK?"

So I do the right thing and lay about 14 layers of toilet paper over the disturbed area, spray an entire can of hair spray throughout the ladies room and adjoining hallway, and check the water faucet every 30 seconds while standing guard in front of the bathroom, ready to tackle anyone that even looks in that direction. 

And finally, after a good half an hour of fear and mortification, I finally hear the beautiful and life saving sound of running water.  It took 4 industrial flushes to "finish" the job, but she's done.  I am now off to the gym, but have to stop off and buy another can of hair spray for the bathroom, and replace the 3 rolls of TP that I used. 

Yes, this is what the majority of my morning consisted of.  I've been through job interviews, confessionals, and funerals that were more comfortable than this.  Lesson learned.  Amen.